An Open Letter to Attorney General Holder

Hon. Eric Holder

Office of the Attorney General
U.S. Department of Justice
950 Pennsylvania Avenue, NW
Washington, DC 20530-0001

Dear Mr. Attorney General:

I know that you are a very busy man. There are lots of terrorists to prosecute, lots of briefs to sign supporting “state secrets,” DADT, and other policies put in place by your excellent predecessors over the last ten years, and all those “impromptu” pickup hoops games the President is so fond of having the newsies B-roll at the White House. (And to think all those critics say he only picked you for AG because you played at Columbia.)

I know that you are so busy, that when you came to Alabama last month to speak about To Kill a Mockingbird (the author of which is in the photo to the left), you didn’t even have time to take any questions from the independent journalists who were there. They probably wouldn’t have been as nice to you as that Law School dean was, anyway. They probably would have asked rude questions about why Ted Stevens died a free and wealthy man because of a minor technicality, while Don Siegelman still has to beg friends for money to pay lawyers to undo the egregiously more unethical conduct of your prosecutors in his case. Reporters are just like that.

Anyhow, I know that the main reason you have not gotten around to replacing the most political U.S. Attorney appointed by George W. Bush, and one of those unethical prosecutors - Leura Canary of the Middle District of Alabama - has been because of all these other important things you have had to do. It’s hard, coming up with a new reason every month to keep Gitmo open. So I thought, being a good citizen, I would pitch in and help. I have drafted you a letter that contains absolutely everything you have to do and say to remove Ms. Canary. All you have to do is have your assistant copy and paste it, and voila! Instantly done! Here it is:

Hon. Leura Garrett Canary
U. S. Attorney’s Office
Middle District of Alabama
131 Clayton Street
Montgomery, AL 36104-3429

HAND DELIVERED BY U.S. MARSHAL

Dear Ms. Canary:

Acting pursuant to the authority vested in the President of the United States by 28 U.S.C. § 541(c), and delegated to me by 28 C.F.R. § 0.5(a) and 28 C.F.R. § 0.22(a)(1), I hereby relieve you of your position as United States Attorney for the Middle District of Alabama, effective immediately. See generally, U.S. v. Young, 541 F.Supp.2d 1226 (D. N.M. 2008).

Please remove yourself, and all your personal effects and property from the Office of the United States Attorney at the above address within one (1) hour of your receipt of this letter. You are not to operate or touch any computer or peripheral equipment that is the property of the United States; or any documents, file or container of documents that are the property of the United States, effective immediately upon your receipt of this letter. A Deputy United States Marshal will remain with you until your departure to confirm your compliance with these instructions.

Our records reflect that your residence is at 2400 Rosemont Place, Montgomery, AL 36106-2214. Your final paycheck will be mailed to that address. If you move from that address, please advise the Hon. Glenn Fine, Department of Justice Inspector General, of your new address. He may need to speak to you soon.

Thank you for your compliance with these instructions.

Sincerely,

Eric Holder
Attorney General

There, wasn’t that easy to sign, Mr. Attorney General? It took what, ten seconds, including time for the ink to dry? And to think people were complaining because Canary was still pushing a Republican agenda from her office nearly halfway through your and Obama’s terms. Don’t thank me; I am just a patriotic citizen glad to do my part to help a busy public servant. Please give my regards to the President. And don’t tell him I told you, but if you can head-fake him in the direction of a mirror or other reflective surface - easy layup!

Your friend,
Publius IX

P.S.: In case you lose this letter, maybe my friends can email you copies at your email address at askdoj@usdoj.gov so you can still send Ms. Canary her letter.

P. IX